Counter-transference

Hello, I’m sorry I lost myself, I think I thought you were someone else.  —REM

I’ve been thinking about counter-transference lately, both in and out of my office.  Are you familiar with the concept? Bill looks like my father; I was always scared of my father.  Jason flatters me, my ex-boyfriend flattered me—and then left me—as a result, I’m terrified to get close to Jason, based on past histrionics.  Maggie talks incessantly; my grandmother has no filter and it infuriates me.  Consequently, I am abrupt and hasty with Maggie.  Get the point? Counter-transference is defined (or a loose interpretation of Freud’s definition) as a person’s influence on another person’s unconscious feelings.  Although we can never get out of the clutches of memory associations, it is important to understand and have self-awareness in our own stories, as an internal navigator in emotional and social situations.  When we experience an acute emotion—anger, anxiety, frustration, impatience –that feels disproportionate to the situation at hand, there is a good chance we are in a moment of transference.  This is worth knowing for these three reasons: as an aide in deconstructing and understanding our respected strong reactions, an offering or pointer into our own unfinished psychological work and/or spiritual healing and a preventable measure for misguided blame or expectation on other people. 

I’m noticing more and more in my office (and in my own life) that when we slow down our reactions, observe and just notice, honoring said reactions with curiosity rather than judgement and empathy instead of defeat, we take ourselves less seriously (we are all murderers and whores, no?), live out our hurt with less venom and, paradoxically, begin to take ourselves, our personal dignity and the people around us, much, much more seriously.